What divorce evidence do I need?

Evidence in a divorce case consists of facts, flowing from  witnesses and from records. Financial records, calendars, and photographs are important. When you go to your lawyer's office, take the necessary papers.

Make copies:

Copy your documents. Many lawyers will not accept original deeds, or other original papers. Before you go to see your lawyer, get your records and papers together and have legible copies made for your lawyer.

What to do:

1.   Make copies of your complete income tax records for the past 2 years, the deed to your residence and deeds to the other properties you own, car titles, and monthly bank statements for the past 6 months, including all checks. Copies of brokerage accounts and retirement accounts are important. The Judge makes decisions about child support based on a person's income, and having the income tax records prevents mistakes about income.

2.   Get copies of tax appraisals of your property, and take photographs of your residence. Because the Judge divides property and attempts to divide it fairly, photographs of the property help the Judge understand the values involved. If one spouse testifies that the home is a dream mansion for rock stars, it is so helpful to show the Judge a photograph of the hum-drum 4 bedroom brick house.

3.If you can take photographs of the inside of your residence, then go from room to room showing the property (TVs, tables & furniture) in the home. If your spouse says there was never a large screen television in the den, it is helpful to show the Judge a photograph of the large screen television in the den. If there is an issue about children, photographs should show that the children have beds, toys, clothing, and a good home.

4.   If there are children, get copies of report cards from the school. Report cards show to all who see them whether a child is well adjusted and doing well, or is in trouble. Although not a psychological report, the report cards are often used by psychiatrists and psychologists as a summary of how the child is adjusting to a divorce.

5.   Get a large desk calendar, on which you list the important events about the children, your spouse and your marriage. Important telephone calls, arguments, and other marital events should be recorded on a calendar as they happened.

6.   Make a list of your important debts, naming the person or business that is owed money, the monthly payment, and the total amount due. The Judge takes into consideration the debts when the property is divided.

7.   Take all of this to your lawyer. All these things are called "evidence" and it is what your lawyer needs in court. If your lawyer has all the evidence, and is ready to present the evidence to the Court, it is very likely the case will be settled. Cases are settled after the lawyers and their clients have a good grasp of the facts and the evidence.

Warnings: If you do not get the important records copied for your lawyer, you will be paying your lawyer, or his secretary, to order the documents from the County Clerk, the Tax Appraisal District, and your employer. Then the lawyer or his secretary will stand by a copy machine making copies. It depends on how you want to spend your money. You probably want your lawyer doing something besides standing at a copier. The worse alternative is that neither you nor your lawyer gets the proper documents and you go to court without evidence. Bad things happen in court to unprepared parties.

What Judges want: A Judge does not want to hear what you think about your ex. You are in a divorce; he knows you think your ex is crazy (and vice versa). A Judge wants to hear you testify about specific events. Tell him the facts; show him details. A Judge wants to see income records and set child support. A Judge wants to see a photograph of you and your smiling children, whose faces show in the picture that they love you. Give the Judge the documents, give the Judge the photographs, and the Judge can help you.

What Judges want, Part II: More than prepared parties at trial, a Judge wants to see a settlement agreement, which he will usually see after both parties have all the documents they need and good lawyers discuss the divorce case.

Conclusion: Divorce cases settle when the parties are fully prepared to go to trial. Being prepared means your lawyer has the documents ready to go. If a case goes to trial, the party that has the facts in writing has the edge. When there is a dispute, Judges and juries like the side that has the written documents. The rewards for being fully prepared are colossal.

Grant Writing Workshops, Leadership Training, Capacity Building for Non-Profits

Fourteen years ago, Kathy Holdway walked into my solo law office and told me she wanted a non-profit corporation that helped other non-profit agencies and charities with Grant Writing. She wanted the students, after the class, to be able to replicate the process on their own. She also talked about Leadership training and Capacity Building, but those words flew past my head. As a result, A Circle of Ten, Inc. was incorporated and millions of dollars in government and private grants began to flow to non-profit agencies.

Houses were built for the poor; computers were bought, used in classes, and then given to the students. ESL and GED books were bought and classes taught. Solar roofs were installed, nursing programs were funded, and rural schools received computers. 

The process continues today with great energy and force.    

Two Grant Writing seminars are scheduled for June 18^th, 19^th, & 20^th and for July 16^th, 17^th, & 18^th, by A Circle of Ten, Inc. The seminars teach Leadership, Capacity Building, and Grant Writing to members of non-profit agencies. The workshops build on the existing computer research skills and grant writing skills. The specific needs are targeted.  Since 1997, A Circle of Ten, Inc. has been the premier agency for successfully promoting the Grant Writing process.

The process consists of 3 equally important steps.

Step 1: A Pre Workshop Interview is scheduled and conducted to determine and assess the specific needs of the non-profit agency. Are computers needed for a school? Are books needed for ESL or GED classes? After these needs are determined then Research is conducted to find the available funding. The funders include many Federal Government programs, departments of the State of Texas (and other states), and numerous local, state, and national private charities.

Step 2: A three day Workshop is then conducted. This means teaching the process of gathering community leaders and building a program that efficiently manages grant money. Capacity building enables non-profit agencies to have the leadership in place, the safeguards, and the capacity to handle grant money. Small classes of ten or fifteen members increase the effectiveness of the workshops. Each non-profit is encouraged to send 3 members to the workshop.

Step 3: Post Workshop Consultations deliver a real boost to new grant writers as they are walked through their first grant. After the grant application is submitted, there are often queries or suggestions coming from the person to whom the grant application was sent. Post Workshop Consultations can be invaluable. Individuals receive 2 hours of free consultation from A Circle of Ten, Inc., after the workshop.

Application requests are made by calling the Registration Team at 903-541-0013 or by email at circleof10@circleof10.org. The June workshops will be held on the Gulf Coast. The July workshops will be held at the beautiful retreat center at Edom, Texas, being 1 hour 20 minutes east of Dallas and 20 minutes west of Tyler.

How do I stop my Divorce? How do I save my Marriage?

Stop the divorce: Marriage is a voluntary covenant or agreement. No one can stop your divorce and save your marriage by pressuring or pushing or arguing. If there are problems in your marriage, or if you are separated, and still talking to your spouse, then things will go much better if you do these things:

1. Marriage advice: Do not harass, do not annoy, and do not pressure your spouse. Do not, ever again, attempt to compel your spouse to do anything. Trying to pressure your spouse is what made your relationship, and now your divorce case, worse. Stop.

2. No serious talks: When was the last time you and your spouse had a happy, cheerful, talk about something serious? Yeah, it's been a long time. Do not talk about or discuss serious matters (like problems in your marriage) with your spouse. Expressing your opinion will come across as trying to control or pressure your spouse.

3. No promises: There are three things that should never be broken; a toy, a promise, and a heart. Do not repeat old broken promises; such as, "It will never happen again," or "I promise to do better." Repeating broken promises will only make things worse. New promises are laughable.

4. Strengthen your marriage: Do agree. Don't argue, don't set the record straight, and don't defend yourself. She may say, "You are always coming home late; that has destroyed our marriage. I want a divorce." You should say, "I agree with you that I am always late. If you want a divorce, I agree, we need a divorce."

You will acknowledge the truth of your spouse's complaint. You will also acknowledge that if your spouse wants and asks for a divorce, the court will grant a divorce. By refusing to argue or defend, you will reduce the anger and taken away the fight. Your spouse now must contemplate a life alone, without help, and wonder whether that is really the good life and the best life. Allow your spouse to do some thinking without the pressure and without the fight.                                                

5. Act completely contented: "All the world's a stage. And all men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts…" Shakespeare, Jacques' monologue, As You Like It, Act II, Scene VII. In the face of venting from your spouse, your part is to act completely calm and contented. You do not feel contented; act contented and calm.

6. Be genuine in your talk: When you converse, have a genuine tone in your voice. Some of us are sarcastic. Some of us are loud. Some of us are too beaten up by life and have a hard time simply being sincere and genuine. You were genuine and whispered when you were agreeing to marry; talk that way again.

7. Get some help: These things are incredibly difficult, get some help. Some people will go to a quiet place, turn off all noise making televisions, and meditate. Some will go to a small room and pray for the peace that surpasses all understanding, that God showers from heaven onto his people. Through the week, be prepared to spend time in meditation or prayer. There are people who can help you, of course, such as a pastor, priest, rabbi or marriage counselor. The point is this: do the homework on yourself, begin to be a better person, and save your marriage.

8. Lower the stress level: It really does take 2 to argue. There is simply no point in creating ill feelings. Lowering the stress level will help all things. If there is a separation, lowering the conflict will make things easier. If there is a divorce, bringing down the temperature is important.

Conclusion: There is no legal means to force someone to stop a divorce. Even if the wife was a picture bride, or it was an arranged marriage, the marriage is completely voluntary. The best advice to save your marriage is to: Stop the pressure; agree; be genuine. The rewards for strengthening your marriage will be huge.  

What if my Spouse refuses to sign the Divorce Papers?

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First things first; in Texas, your spouse will never have to sign any piece of paper in your divorce case.

Your ex does not have put her signature on a Waiver of Citation. Upon a written request and a payment of a small fee ($8), the District Clerk will issue a citation. A process server or constable will charge a larger fee ($75 or so) and deliver the citation. She-who-does-not-sign-waivers does not even have to sign the citation. The process server hands her the papers and walks away.  

Your spouse does not have to sign a car title or a deed to property. The Judge can award legal title or the house or a car to you in the Divorce Decree.

However, if a deed with your ex's signature is important to you, then you may have to ask the Judge to specifically order your spouse to sign a specific document. If there is a deed that needs to be sign by a stubborn spouse, then it is common for a copy of the deed to be attached to the Decree of Divorce. The same Decree of Divorce will have language ordering the willful spouse to sign the deed within 7 days. This is a cumbersome procedure, but the Judge will enforce his rulings with contempt orders. Contempt can include punishments of jail time for up to 6 months and fines.

Your ex does not have to sign a mediated settlement agreement. If there is no agreement and no settlement, then the Judge will hear evidence and sign a Decree of Divorce. The agreement of your spouse is not required.

Your ex does not have to sign the Divorce Decree; it's the Judge's signature that makes the Divorce Decree an official, legal document.

There are times when legitimate arguments arise over the wording in a complicated divorce decree. If that happens, there will be a hearing, the Judge will make a ruling, and the Judge will sign a Decree of Divorce.

If one party simply unhappy about the divorce and refuses to sign the Divorce Decree, then a Motion to Sign Decree will be filed in the court, and the Judge will sign a Divorce Decree. 

Declining to sign the papers in a divorce case is childish and will annoy the Judge. In a contentious divorce, never exasperate the Judge; let you’re the other party frustrate the Judge. As a Judge hears a case, he or she can tell if there are legitimate things to argue about, or if one spouse is simply making life hard on the other party. Judges commonly make their irritation known by rendering a judgment for attorney fees against the pigheaded spouse.

Conclusion: If your ex is going to be childish and exasperate the Judge, then the case will be more contentious than you had hoped for. Is this may be the first time you have been in a divorce with a childish party? Well, the Court has seen hundreds of these cases. The Court will be prepared to handle this situation. Take a deep breath. Proceed with your case. In the courtroom and out of the courtroom, there are many things to worry about. Do not worry about a spouse's refusal to sign papers.

How your Child might react to your Divorce

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The inner being of every member of your family will shake from the shock of a divorce. The most precious member of the family, your child, might react dramatically. Let's walk through some warning signs, then the ways a child might react, then how you and your child may work towards a resolution.

Early warning: The barometer for how a child reacts to a divorce might be at her school. As your child's emotions began to come out, she can be expected to be more aggressive and show anti-social behaviors. Watch for notes from her teacher, telephone calls from a counselor, worsening weekly test scores, and report cards showing poor grades or poor classroom conduct. These early warnings are your call to action.

Reactions by age: The college age student, or young adult beginning to leave home, may outwardly take the news of a divorce calmly, but inwardly can be quite emotional. At this age, she is uncertain about leaving home and her future. The news of a divorce adds force to her fears of abandonment. She is literally losing her home. She may react by accusing one parent of being selfish, which is likely true.

The high school or middle school student's emotions, as you would expect, will be excessive or just the opposite, and be too calm. Be aware; the emotions of the calm teen are stirring. Your teen needs a parent's careful observation.

It is said that your preteen tends to see things in black and white, take sides, and might blame one parent. Each parent needs to know that the preteen will grow through this phase.

Preschoolers, like their college brothers and sisters, are beginning to leave the home. Your preschooler faces fears about leaving home for daycare, preschool or school. They have abandonment fears, which are exacerbated by the news of a divorce. They will not understand, but they do know that one of their parents is gone.

Toddlers have an egocentric view of everything. It is all about them. If one of the parents has left, they blame themselves. Your toddlers, like preschoolers, may outwardly avoid showing much emotion, but deal with their feelings by playing "divorce" or "separation" with their dolls.

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A Child's view of her parents - In a divorce, every child, will at a later time, decide if one of her parents has been lying to her. Do not be the one she decides has been telling lies.

Providing Protections: After she hears about the divorce, you can do many things to help your child.

A mutual Story: A mutual story, that each parent will confirm is true, can be very helpful for school age children. Do not tell your child the bitter details of a divorce; your child should never be exposed to adult themes in sex, drugs, or family violence.

Do not argue: Do not argue in front of your children. Such behavior is pointless and abuses your children. It takes two persons to argue. You can say, "I hear what you say. We will discuss this later."

Other adults: The children have teachers, coaches, clergy, and counselors. Talk to the teachers and other adults who bump up against your child on a daily basis. They provide guidance to point your child in the right direction. Please remember, you are not going to argue with the teacher about your girl's outbursts or poor grades. You are going to see the teacher so the two of you can double team your child. The two of you can help your girl improve her grades, her behavior, and her life.

Away from school, a parent can enroll a child in a soccer program or a self defense class. Look for a soccer program or self defense class that has coaches who emphasize the importance of discipline. This means showing your child how to control her emotions and not act out.

There are dance lessons, piano lessons, and summer sports programs for children. Sports camps and little league teach a child discipline and the control of her emotions. Dance lessons, piano lessons, and art lessons teach your child to express her emotions in constructive ways.

There are clergy who provide weekly programs for your child. Prayer and biblical teachings can be helpful to those who are hurting.

Former friends: If a divorce causes your child to move to a new school, you can help the child to talk, visit, and play with her former friends. Play dates with former friends ease the pain of moving across town.

Discipline: As an effective single parent, you will have rules and discipline, but will have a warm affection for your child. This is so easy to say and so difficult to live. No parent is perfect, of course, but there are some temptations to avoid.

Do not turn your child into the "little man" or "little woman" of the house. Your child needs your emotional support and help. Do not rob your little girl of her childhood.

Do not lean on your child for your emotional support. Your girl or boy needs your physical support, monetary support, and emotional support. You play the part of the adult, and all things will fall into place for your child.

Conclusion:  As H. Jackson Brown, Jr. said, "Live so that when your children think of fairness, and integrity, they think of you." There are enormous rewards for the single parent who successfully navigates through the emotional dangers to her child in a divorce. A child of divorced parents can have her life enhanced by each parent. The goal is for each parent to guide his or her child into living a good life as an adult. Keep your eyes on the goal.

Never argue with your ex in front of the children

Arguing with your ex-spouse in front of the children is like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. It is pointless.

Do not ever argue with your ex in front of the children. It leaves mental scars on your children. Good single parents learn strategies on how to get along with the ex-spouse.

Say "No" to an argument.

At the children's exchange point, turn down to offer to argue. It takes two to argue. You can say, "I hear what you are saying. We will talk about this later." You agreed that you heard his concern. Do not talk about adult matters in front of the children. Do not lower yourself into name calling in front of your kids.

Ways to communicate with your ex.

Diary: Some single parents use a locked diary, which goes back and forth with the children. Baseball schedules, school events, and medicinal information go back and forth. Adult concerns about a child can also be expressed away from the eyes and hearing of a small child. Abusive messages can be copied and saved to show a Judge later.

Email: Email is another easy method of communication. No one has to be home or awake, to receive the message. Concerns can be expressed and responded to by an email. Abusive messages can be printed and saved for the Judge.

Telephone calls: It is best if everyone agrees that one telephone call is enough and that all telephone calls will be returned within a few hours. Everyone should know that coarse language, hang-ups, and repeated calls are abusive and will not be tolerated.

Abusive communications.

Consider giving your ex a separate ring on your cell phone. Consider sending your ex's call immediately to the answering machine after a certain hour in the evening. Consider getting a second telephone line for your cell phone for you, your friends, your family, and your family. Your ex has the old number and you will know when it rings who is calling. All other calls, with the new ringer, will be from your family and friends.

Criminal acts.

Stalking is a criminal act, and the police arrest stalkers. Making threats over the telephone, in Texas, is called a Terroristic Threat, and the police arrest those who make threats. There are also laws against harassing ex-spouses, ex-lovers, and ex-family members. If you are harassed, call your District Attorney about getting a Protective Order. Violators of protective orders are arrested like criminals.

Legally recorded telephone conversations.

Some states forbid recording telephone conversations. Texas allows recording telephone conversations under certain conditions. Talk to a lawyer about making legal phone recordings. Then get on the computer and go to Phone Recorder or Spyville and buy a device to record telephone conversations with your ex. There are also some Apps on Google that allow some cell phones to record calls. If your ex abuses you on the telephone, the recordings can be played for a Judge, who will hear how abusive your ex can be.  

The key is to take notes of bad behavior.

Take notes, make recordings, print emails, print texts, and copy diary writings. Get a big calendar and make notes on the specific date things happen. Be smart, take notes, and keep them in a big box. Your lawyer will love you and you will actually have something specific to tell the Judge.

Kindness.

Give emotions time to cool. Do your duty, as spelled out by a court. In addition, use a little kindness. Bring a bag of groceries when you pick up the children. Buy a tank of gas for your ex, on occasion. When you pick up your son or daughter, immediately take them to do something fun. Take your girl to buy a Barbie doll. Take your boy to eat a pizza. Go to a movie. Build a relationship.

Conclusion.

The rewards and advantages of remaining calm in the face of your ex are huge. You will save your children from sadistic behavior. The goal is not to argue with your spouse. The goal is to earn the love and respect of your children. Another goal is to guide your children towards having a good life. Keep your eye on the goals.

Adopt an older Child

Persons thinking about adopting an older child should hear the opinions of an old Texas adoption judge, Harold B. Clapp, who said, "Being a parent is not about blood relations. It is a contact sport. It is about who you bump into and who you touch every day." He said, "Being a parent is not hard, it just takes a long time."

Challenges: Adopting an older child is like an arranged marriage. There are two personalities and two views of the world which come together. Because of the events leading to an adoption, the child suffered traumatically sad experiences. His or her personality has been set in ill-fated circumstances. Bad things happened.

Issues: "Adoption was a bumpy ride - God, was it worth the fight." Mariska Hargity. It is no secret that rearing a preteen and teen girl or boy is a challenge, whether yours by birth or adoption. The mother's love will be there immediately, but it will take more than a mother's love to face the bumpy ride. It will take all the parenting skills to guide and prepare a girl to live a good life.

Parenting skills: To meet every day and every night challenges, your skills will include re-educating the misinformed, consoling the sad, and guiding the undisciplined. Your little girl may never appear to listen to you, but she will always be watching you. As your little girl grows, so shall your skills grow to meet her needs.

Conclusion: So, a family is assembled by a mother's bumping into, colliding with, and touching her child's body and soul every day and every night. The rewards are enormous. It is the adopted child who will remember her mother's birthday. It is the adopted child who will look most like her mother in the Christmas card photographs. An adopted girl will remember and appreciate, once she is past her teen insolent years, what her mother did for her.

Final Result: The final result was best said by an anonymous soul, "A family is like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts."

  

How to settle Child custody issues out of court

Mark Twain said it best, ""We are always too busy for our children; we never give them the time or interest they deserve. We lavish gifts upon them; but the most precious gift, our personal association, which means so much to them, we give grudgingly." A custody dispute means you are losing even more time with your children. Good single parenting suggests that custody issues be settled to maximize time with each parent. How do you settle custody issues? You face hard realities.

Look at realities

A custody trial scars the children for the rest of their lives. A parent needs compelling reasons before emotionally scarring children. Going to trial on custody issues simply to win, or to beat the other parent, is child abuse. There are better ways to decide when to go to trial and when to settle custody issues.

Custody issues and danger

To settle custody issues, ask, "Are my children in real physical danger or real emotional danger, while in possession of the other parent?" Some parents will kill children. Some are seriously disturbed. Others are troubled with dangerous addictions. The best interest of the children demands an honest answer to a question about danger.

The possession order

Texas and other states have standardized possession orders for visitation. Other states follow a general guideline for visitation. Very young children are treated differently. Find out how much time each parent will possess the children in your state. Using a visitation schedule you get from your lawyer, or online, is how you settle custody issues.

After reading the visitation schedule, take a calendar, and mark an "X" for each 2 hour period of visitation and possession you or the other parent, will likely get. Calculate the total possession of the children for each month of the year. There are weekends, holidays, summer vacations, school breaks, birthdays, and short weekly visits. Each month will be different. The school's schedules will vary from school district to school district. Mark your "X"s and add up the time. How much of the year will the visiting parent be with the children?

The point is: after the weekend visitations, summer vacations, and holidays are totaled, possession of the children can be close to a 50/50 deal. Each party will have a lot of time to enhance the lives of the children. Even if the lesser parent insists on having custody, the other parent will have time to make the children's lives better, more advanced, and more developed, without any emotional bruises from a trial. After seeing how much time each parent can spend with the children, it is time to ask, "Why is custody an issue?"

Most persons settle custody issues

Celebrity couples settle custody issues on a regular basis.  Tom Cruise and Katie Homes, Kelsey and Camille Grammer, Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry, and less famous persons settle their custody issues. So, with the best interest of the children as a goal, get practical, cooperative, and use some common techniques to settle custody issues.

Informal talks

Informal talks between parents, outside of court, should include tweaking the likely possession schedule. Good single parenting requires an adequate notice before either parent moves out of state, or takes the children out of state. Who pays for the children's airline tickets to Los Angeles? Discussions should include a parent's emails and a weekly schedule of telephone calls to the children. Follow the likely possession schedules as a guide, and arrive at a parenting plan. Is it important for one parent to possess the children on Christmas Eve? Is a 2 hour Wednesday evening visit each week important for one parent? If the kids are coming over for Saturday and Sunday, what about starting the visit on Friday evening? What about the children wanting tattoos and piercings? What about a parent's living arrangements with someone not a spouse? Single parenting asks these questions and looks for cooperative answers.

Mediation

If informal talks are not successful, then mediation is a great way to resolve the issues out of court. Mediation is the last chance for the parents to say how they want the children to live, before turning the decision over to a Judge. The Judge will give a ruling. But know this: the Judge does not know you and does not love your children. 

In mediation, the parents, and their attorneys, sit in separate rooms. A certified mediator, trained to settle custody cases, hears the ideas of one parent. Then the mediator walks to the other room to discuss the issues with the other parent. A mediator goes back and forth all day. All custody issues are discussed. All fears are aired. Emotions ebb, practical steps are suggested. An understanding of a Judge's possible decision is explained.  After a day of intense and emotional discussions, cases are settled in mediation. At the end of the day, a short written agreement is prepared, covering the agreements. A lawyer then prepares a judgment or decree, which sets out the agreement in detail.

Conclusion

You have many choices. You can choose to subordinate pride, a desire to win, and revenge. You can choose to act in favor of the best interest of your children. Get real, get practical, get cooperative, and settle your custody issues.