How your Child might react to your Divorce

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The inner being of every member of your family will shake from the shock of a divorce. The most precious member of the family, your child, might react dramatically. Let's walk through some warning signs, then the ways a child might react, then how you and your child may work towards a resolution.

Early warning: The barometer for how a child reacts to a divorce might be at her school. As your child's emotions began to come out, she can be expected to be more aggressive and show anti-social behaviors. Watch for notes from her teacher, telephone calls from a counselor, worsening weekly test scores, and report cards showing poor grades or poor classroom conduct. These early warnings are your call to action.

Reactions by age: The college age student, or young adult beginning to leave home, may outwardly take the news of a divorce calmly, but inwardly can be quite emotional. At this age, she is uncertain about leaving home and her future. The news of a divorce adds force to her fears of abandonment. She is literally losing her home. She may react by accusing one parent of being selfish, which is likely true.

The high school or middle school student's emotions, as you would expect, will be excessive or just the opposite, and be too calm. Be aware; the emotions of the calm teen are stirring. Your teen needs a parent's careful observation.

It is said that your preteen tends to see things in black and white, take sides, and might blame one parent. Each parent needs to know that the preteen will grow through this phase.

Preschoolers, like their college brothers and sisters, are beginning to leave the home. Your preschooler faces fears about leaving home for daycare, preschool or school. They have abandonment fears, which are exacerbated by the news of a divorce. They will not understand, but they do know that one of their parents is gone.

Toddlers have an egocentric view of everything. It is all about them. If one of the parents has left, they blame themselves. Your toddlers, like preschoolers, may outwardly avoid showing much emotion, but deal with their feelings by playing "divorce" or "separation" with their dolls.

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A Child's view of her parents - In a divorce, every child, will at a later time, decide if one of her parents has been lying to her. Do not be the one she decides has been telling lies.

Providing Protections: After she hears about the divorce, you can do many things to help your child.

A mutual Story: A mutual story, that each parent will confirm is true, can be very helpful for school age children. Do not tell your child the bitter details of a divorce; your child should never be exposed to adult themes in sex, drugs, or family violence.

Do not argue: Do not argue in front of your children. Such behavior is pointless and abuses your children. It takes two persons to argue. You can say, "I hear what you say. We will discuss this later."

Other adults: The children have teachers, coaches, clergy, and counselors. Talk to the teachers and other adults who bump up against your child on a daily basis. They provide guidance to point your child in the right direction. Please remember, you are not going to argue with the teacher about your girl's outbursts or poor grades. You are going to see the teacher so the two of you can double team your child. The two of you can help your girl improve her grades, her behavior, and her life.

Away from school, a parent can enroll a child in a soccer program or a self defense class. Look for a soccer program or self defense class that has coaches who emphasize the importance of discipline. This means showing your child how to control her emotions and not act out.

There are dance lessons, piano lessons, and summer sports programs for children. Sports camps and little league teach a child discipline and the control of her emotions. Dance lessons, piano lessons, and art lessons teach your child to express her emotions in constructive ways.

There are clergy who provide weekly programs for your child. Prayer and biblical teachings can be helpful to those who are hurting.

Former friends: If a divorce causes your child to move to a new school, you can help the child to talk, visit, and play with her former friends. Play dates with former friends ease the pain of moving across town.

Discipline: As an effective single parent, you will have rules and discipline, but will have a warm affection for your child. This is so easy to say and so difficult to live. No parent is perfect, of course, but there are some temptations to avoid.

Do not turn your child into the "little man" or "little woman" of the house. Your child needs your emotional support and help. Do not rob your little girl of her childhood.

Do not lean on your child for your emotional support. Your girl or boy needs your physical support, monetary support, and emotional support. You play the part of the adult, and all things will fall into place for your child.

Conclusion:  As H. Jackson Brown, Jr. said, "Live so that when your children think of fairness, and integrity, they think of you." There are enormous rewards for the single parent who successfully navigates through the emotional dangers to her child in a divorce. A child of divorced parents can have her life enhanced by each parent. The goal is for each parent to guide his or her child into living a good life as an adult. Keep your eyes on the goal.