How to settle Child custody issues out of court

Mark Twain said it best, ""We are always too busy for our children; we never give them the time or interest they deserve. We lavish gifts upon them; but the most precious gift, our personal association, which means so much to them, we give grudgingly." A custody dispute means you are losing even more time with your children. Good single parenting suggests that custody issues be settled to maximize time with each parent. How do you settle custody issues? You face hard realities.

Look at realities

A custody trial scars the children for the rest of their lives. A parent needs compelling reasons before emotionally scarring children. Going to trial on custody issues simply to win, or to beat the other parent, is child abuse. There are better ways to decide when to go to trial and when to settle custody issues.

Custody issues and danger

To settle custody issues, ask, "Are my children in real physical danger or real emotional danger, while in possession of the other parent?" Some parents will kill children. Some are seriously disturbed. Others are troubled with dangerous addictions. The best interest of the children demands an honest answer to a question about danger.

The possession order

Texas and other states have standardized possession orders for visitation. Other states follow a general guideline for visitation. Very young children are treated differently. Find out how much time each parent will possess the children in your state. Using a visitation schedule you get from your lawyer, or online, is how you settle custody issues.

After reading the visitation schedule, take a calendar, and mark an "X" for each 2 hour period of visitation and possession you or the other parent, will likely get. Calculate the total possession of the children for each month of the year. There are weekends, holidays, summer vacations, school breaks, birthdays, and short weekly visits. Each month will be different. The school's schedules will vary from school district to school district. Mark your "X"s and add up the time. How much of the year will the visiting parent be with the children?

The point is: after the weekend visitations, summer vacations, and holidays are totaled, possession of the children can be close to a 50/50 deal. Each party will have a lot of time to enhance the lives of the children. Even if the lesser parent insists on having custody, the other parent will have time to make the children's lives better, more advanced, and more developed, without any emotional bruises from a trial. After seeing how much time each parent can spend with the children, it is time to ask, "Why is custody an issue?"

Most persons settle custody issues

Celebrity couples settle custody issues on a regular basis.  Tom Cruise and Katie Homes, Kelsey and Camille Grammer, Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry, and less famous persons settle their custody issues. So, with the best interest of the children as a goal, get practical, cooperative, and use some common techniques to settle custody issues.

Informal talks

Informal talks between parents, outside of court, should include tweaking the likely possession schedule. Good single parenting requires an adequate notice before either parent moves out of state, or takes the children out of state. Who pays for the children's airline tickets to Los Angeles? Discussions should include a parent's emails and a weekly schedule of telephone calls to the children. Follow the likely possession schedules as a guide, and arrive at a parenting plan. Is it important for one parent to possess the children on Christmas Eve? Is a 2 hour Wednesday evening visit each week important for one parent? If the kids are coming over for Saturday and Sunday, what about starting the visit on Friday evening? What about the children wanting tattoos and piercings? What about a parent's living arrangements with someone not a spouse? Single parenting asks these questions and looks for cooperative answers.

Mediation

If informal talks are not successful, then mediation is a great way to resolve the issues out of court. Mediation is the last chance for the parents to say how they want the children to live, before turning the decision over to a Judge. The Judge will give a ruling. But know this: the Judge does not know you and does not love your children. 

In mediation, the parents, and their attorneys, sit in separate rooms. A certified mediator, trained to settle custody cases, hears the ideas of one parent. Then the mediator walks to the other room to discuss the issues with the other parent. A mediator goes back and forth all day. All custody issues are discussed. All fears are aired. Emotions ebb, practical steps are suggested. An understanding of a Judge's possible decision is explained.  After a day of intense and emotional discussions, cases are settled in mediation. At the end of the day, a short written agreement is prepared, covering the agreements. A lawyer then prepares a judgment or decree, which sets out the agreement in detail.

Conclusion

You have many choices. You can choose to subordinate pride, a desire to win, and revenge. You can choose to act in favor of the best interest of your children. Get real, get practical, get cooperative, and settle your custody issues.

Texas Visitation for Babies and Small Children

The Texas Legislature has passed a detailed law ( S.B. 820 ) concerning visitation with babies, less than 3 years of age. The Judge “shall consider evidence of all relevant factors”. There is a list of 13 things to consider, including “any other evidence of the best interest of the child”.


The “best interest” often means drugs, alcohol, and mommy or daddy having sex with someone else.  This evidence helps the Judge understand that, in the best interest of a child, a miracle is needed.


The rest of the list includes things like, “the caregiving” bestowed on the baby before and during the lawsuit, the “developmental needs of the child”, and the ability to give “personal care” to the child. This kind of evidence actually pertains to the child and is a breath of fresh air.  


If it appears that the evidence turning to the care of the child, take heart.  Evidence on “the impact and influence of individuals” who will be present during visitation is to be heard.  This means more sniping at the loopy mother-in-law or the new girlfriend.  The assault will continue for the “emotional, economic, and social conditions of the parties”.  This means, in a recession, showing that the other party is out of work. Does being poor now mean bad parenting?  The term, social conditions, is full of possibilities for defamation. Does the Judge draw the line at a parent having
no country club membership, or
no cable television, or
no indoor plumbing?


The statute gives the Judge responsibilities to do the right thing by the child.  However, specific guidance from the legislature is blurry. If I were a Family Law Judge, I would do more drinking.


If the Governor signs the statute, the trouble will start for cases pending September 1st or filed thereafter. 

Child Visitation

This blog is for the parent who broke up the family, and hurt the children's feelings in a divorce involving child custody - a regrettable battle. There are some things a parent can do to help mend hurting children.

• In addition to paying child support, take your son or daughter to buy a new pair of shoes. Kids must eat their shoes, because they always need a new pair.
• Take your children to buy Summer clothes [bathing suit], school clothes [blue jeans & tops / shirts ], a winter coat and a thick winter blanket. I know a computer engineer who buys used clothing, with the fancy label, at Goodwill Stores and Marshals. Buy the coat when it first threatens to get cold, when it is on sale.
• Show up to see your kids when you promised.
• Take your children to a pizza place when you pick them up. Spend $20 on pizza, let them choose the kind of pizza, and let them talk.
• Take your daughter and son to the Dollar Store and let them choose a toy.
• Take your child to a book store and let them choose a book to buy and read.
• Call your child's teacher, on her break, and find out what's going on at school.
• Call your child or see you child on every birthday, get the child a present.
• Christmas is special to children, make it so for yours.
• Buy postcards and cards in advance, and every now and then spend the money for a stamp and send one to your children.
• Plan something for a visitation Saturday, other than cleaning house. Get out, go to a movie, or to the lake, or something else fun.

 None of this requires anyone to be a big spender.  All of it will help children mend their emotions, learn to make decisions for themselves, and help the parent be a better person.