Mark Twain said it best, ""We are always too busy
for our children; we never give them the time or interest they deserve. We
lavish gifts upon them; but the most precious gift, our personal association,
which means so much to them, we give grudgingly." A custody dispute means
you are losing even more time with your children. Good single parenting
suggests that custody issues be settled to maximize time with each parent. How
do you settle custody issues? You face hard realities.
Look at realities
A custody trial scars the children for the rest of their
lives. A parent needs compelling reasons before emotionally scarring children.
Going to trial on custody issues simply to win, or to beat the other parent, is
child abuse. There are better ways to decide when to go to trial and when to
settle custody issues.
Custody issues and danger
To settle custody issues, ask, "Are my children in real
physical danger or real emotional danger, while in possession of the other
parent?" Some parents will kill children. Some are seriously disturbed.
Others are troubled with dangerous addictions. The best interest of the
children demands an honest answer to a question about danger.
The possession order
Texas and other states have standardized possession orders for
visitation. Other states follow a general guideline for visitation. Very young children are treated differently. Find out
how much time each parent will possess the children in your state. Using a
visitation schedule you get from your lawyer, or online, is how you settle
custody issues.
After reading the visitation schedule, take a calendar, and
mark an "X" for each 2 hour period of visitation and possession you
or the other parent, will likely get. Calculate the total possession of the
children for each month of the year. There are weekends, holidays, summer
vacations, school breaks, birthdays, and short weekly visits. Each month will
be different. The school's schedules will vary from school district to school
district. Mark your "X"s and add up the time. How much of the year
will the visiting parent be with the children?
The point is: after the weekend visitations, summer
vacations, and holidays are totaled, possession of the children can be close to
a 50/50 deal. Each party will have a lot of time to enhance the lives of the
children. Even if the lesser parent insists on having custody, the other parent
will have time to make the children's lives better, more advanced, and more
developed, without any emotional bruises from a trial. After seeing how much
time each parent can spend with the children, it is time to ask, "Why is
custody an issue?"
Most persons settle custody issues
Celebrity couples settle custody issues on a regular
basis. Tom Cruise and Katie Homes,
Kelsey and Camille Grammer, Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry, and less famous
persons settle their custody issues. So, with the best interest of the children
as a goal, get practical, cooperative, and use some common techniques to settle
custody issues.
Informal talks
Informal talks between parents, outside of court,
should include tweaking the likely possession schedule. Good single parenting
requires an adequate notice before either parent moves out of state, or takes
the children out of state. Who pays for the children's airline tickets to Los
Angeles? Discussions should include a parent's emails and a weekly schedule of
telephone calls to the children. Follow the likely possession schedules as a
guide, and arrive at a parenting plan. Is it important for one parent to possess
the children on Christmas Eve? Is a 2 hour Wednesday evening visit each week
important for one parent? If the kids are coming over for Saturday and Sunday,
what about starting the visit on Friday evening? What about the children
wanting tattoos and piercings? What about a parent's living arrangements with
someone not a spouse? Single parenting asks these questions and looks for
cooperative answers.
Mediation
If informal talks are not successful, then mediation
is a great way to resolve the issues out of court. Mediation is the last chance
for the parents to say how they want the children to live, before turning the
decision over to a Judge. The Judge will give a ruling. But know this: the
Judge does not know you and does not love your children.
In mediation, the parents, and their attorneys, sit
in separate rooms. A certified mediator, trained to settle custody cases, hears
the ideas of one parent. Then the mediator walks to the other room to discuss
the issues with the other parent. A mediator goes back and forth all day. All
custody issues are discussed. All fears are aired. Emotions ebb, practical
steps are suggested. An understanding of a Judge's possible decision is
explained. After a day of intense and
emotional discussions, cases are settled in mediation. At the end of the day, a
short written agreement is prepared, covering the agreements. A lawyer then
prepares a judgment or decree, which sets out the agreement in detail.
Conclusion
You have many choices. You can choose to subordinate
pride, a desire to win, and revenge. You can choose to act in favor of the best
interest of your children. Get real, get practical, get cooperative, and settle
your custody issues.
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